18+. This guide is for consenting adults. It describes kinds of products and how to choose them together; it does not rank brands, show prices or describe sex.
The best sex toy for a couple is rarely the most advanced one. It is the one you both said yes to, that fits what you already enjoy together, and that is easy to keep clean and easy to stop using. That makes choosing together more important than choosing well.
How to choose together
Before looking at any product, spend ten minutes on these five questions. They matter more than any feature list.
- What do we already enjoy? A toy works best as more of something you both like, not as a fix for something missing. If slow evenings are your thing, look for things that make slow evenings better.
- Is the material body-safe? Choose products clearly labelled silicone, glass, stainless steel or hard ABS plastic. Be wary of unlabelled "jelly": a Danish Environmental Protection Agency survey found that material sold as jelly was usually soft PVC made pliable with phthalate plasticisers, sometimes up to 70% of the material.
- Can we clean it properly? Non-porous materials can be washed thoroughly; porous ones cannot. If the care instructions are vague, pick something else.
- Is it simple enough for a first try? One function you both understand beats ten you have to learn at the moment it matters.
- How do we stop? Agree a stop word, or a simple "pause", before anything new. It works for anything, at any moment, no questions asked.
A quick yes, no, maybe list helps: each of you marks the ideas below privately, then you compare. Only a double yes goes on the list.
What to look for in any couples' toy
| Feature | Why it matters | What to check |
|---|---|---|
| Material | Non-porous materials can be cleaned properly | Silicone, glass, stainless steel or hard ABS named on the label |
| Cleaning | You will clean it after every use | Clear care instructions; waterproof or splash-proof if it has a motor |
| Noise | Thin walls, shared homes, nerves | A quiet or "whisper" rating if it has a motor |
| Power | Dead batteries end the moment | Rechargeable, with a charge that lasts a full evening |
| Simplicity | A first try should feel easy | One or two controls you both understand |
| Size and intensity | Starting small is easier to say yes to | Beginner or "first-time" versions of a type |
| Returns and privacy | Intimate products are often non-returnable once opened | Plain packaging, a neutral name on statements, a warranty |
The best types of toys for each kink type
Test-Yo's kink test places people in six patterns. Couples usually share at least one, and the best first toy is usually for the pattern you share. If you have not compared yet, each of you can take the test and send a private partner match; it shows only the statements you both agreed with.
Vanilla+: slow, close, eyes open
Vanilla+ couples find intensity in presence rather than props, so the right toy is one that makes unhurried time together better without taking it over.
- Massage oils or candles made for skin, for long, slow evenings.
- A simple, quiet couples' vibrator or massager, if you both want to try one: small, rechargeable and easy to share.
- Look for: unscented or lightly scented products, easy cleaning, nothing that needs a setup.
Talk it through: "What does a really unhurried evening look like for you?"
Sensory: texture, temperature, anticipation
Sensory couples notice texture, sound and temperature more than most, so small changes go a long way.
- A silk or satin blindfold, the classic first step: less sight, more touch.
- A texture set, such as a feather tickler, soft brushes or a massage glove.
- Look for: materials that feel good on skin, washable fabrics, and a setting you both like (light, sound, warmth).
Talk it through: "If we tried something with less sight and more touch, what would make it feel safe and easy to stop?"
Power Play: clear roles, agreed in advance
Power Play couples enjoy a clear, negotiated dynamic: one leads, one follows, or you take turns.
- A soft beginner restraint set with padded, adjustable cuffs that release quickly.
- A blindfold, which pairs naturally with a leading role.
- Look for: quick-release fastenings, padding, no metal edges. Keep safety scissors nearby if anything ties.
Talk it through: "What would we need to agree on before one of us leads?"
Watching: the pleasure of being seen
Watching couples enjoy seeing and being seen, so the right pick is often about presentation rather than a device.
- Lingerie or loungewear you choose for each other.
- A well-placed mirror, which costs little and changes a lot.
- Look for: clear privacy rules first. Agree where any photo or video would live, who sees it and when it is deleted, before anything is ever recorded.
Talk it through: "When do you enjoy my attention on you the most?"
Roleplay: stories with an easy way out
Roleplay couples enjoy stepping out of everyday roles for a while.
- A roleplay card game or prompt deck that makes scenes easy to start and just as easy to stop.
- A small costume element, like a mask or one outfit, rather than a full costume.
- Look for: light, playful scenarios for a first try, and a clear way to call time out and step back into yourselves.
Talk it through: "If we played 'not us' for an evening, who would we be?"
Devotion: care, attention and service
Devotion couples find meaning in attentive care and in the other person's enjoyment.
- A "yes, no, maybe" card set to say what you would love to give and to receive.
- A massage kit or a remote-controlled couples' toy that lets one partner focus completely on the other.
- Look for: anything that keeps communication easy, so the giver also gets to ask for something.
Talk it through: "How do you like to be looked after, and how do you like to look after me?"
If your types are different
Most couples do not share a single type, and that is not a problem. Three ways to start:
- Begin with the overlap. If you both agreed with a few statements from the same type, start there; the private partner match shows exactly which ones you share, without revealing anything one-sided.
- Take turns. Each of you picks one small idea from your own type, and you try one this week and the other next week.
- Choose something neutral. Massage oils, a blindfold or a conversation card game suit almost every type and are easy to say yes to.
Trying something new for the first time
- Pick a relaxed evening, not the end of a long, tiring day, and put phones away.
- Read the instructions together, including cleaning and charging, before the moment it matters.
- Start on the lowest setting or the simplest version, and go up only if you both want to.
- Check in as you go. "More, less or pause?" is enough.
- Talk afterwards: one thing you liked, one thing you would change, and whether to keep it.
Safety and care basics
- Clean after every use with mild soap and warm water, or the maker's instructions. The Sexual Medicine Society of North America also advises washing a toy between uses on different parts of the body.
- Use water-based lubricant when unsure. It is compatible with every material. Silicone-based lubricant can damage silicone toys. In the Danish survey, migration of the plasticiser DEHP from soft PVC toys into a water-based lubricant was about 100 times lower than into an oil-based one.
- Sharing: if a toy is shared, clean it between users and use a new condom on it each time, as SMSNA advises.
- Store items separately, in a clean bag or box, away from heat.
Buying discreetly
Most specialist shops ship in plain packaging and many show a neutral name on bank statements. If that matters to you, check both before ordering, along with the returns policy, since many shops cannot accept opened intimate products.
Buying as a gift
Black Friday and the holidays are popular times to buy for a partner, but an intimate gift works best when it is not a surprise. Ask first, or choose something low-pressure that suits most couples, such as massage oils, a blindfold or a card game, and present it as an idea you would like to try together, never as an expectation.
Talking about it first
If one of you wants to suggest a toy, frame it as curiosity, not a correction:
- "I saw this and thought it might be fun for us. What do you think?"
- "Would you want to choose something together? No pressure either way."
- "A no is completely fine, and so is a maybe."
Then decide together, including how you will stop if it does not feel right.
